Friday, 27 April 2018

The Coffee and the Cross Stitch - Hope Renewed

Throughout my journey of infertility I have learnt so much. I have learnt that he holds me in the hardest time, I have learnt that he if faithful and will provide you with the love and support that you need to endure each trial. I have learnt that his timing is perfect, even when I just don’t get it!! However one thing I have really struggled with through this time, one small word that holds so much power, that small word is HOPE.

In my darkest days I have failed to see any hope at all, and on my easier days I have simply been too afraid to have hope in case I might get my hopes up in order to have them dashed again by the familiar sight of a negative pregnancy test.

The bible verse Proverbs 13:12 “Hope deferred makes the heart sick” was so true in some of the areas of my life, and although God was doing amazing things through my story and in my life, I still felt I was lacking in hope that God really was going to give me a child.

Last October, a beautiful sister in Christ and a fellow Infertility Warrior introduced me to a song called ‘Get your hopes up’ (you can check it out here: Get your hopes up  ) As I listened to it and let the word wash over me, I became aware that I had been too afraid to get my hopes up! Don’t get me wrong, in some areas of my life I had great and abundant hope, but I felt like I had shut the door on my hope for a baby.

Fast Forward a few months and in an online support group for women waiting for their miracle babies, some of the women shared how the have bought things for their yet-to-be-conceived children and how it had helped to give them hope. This both delighted me and scared me (!) and I was struck that I needed to exercise my faith in order to walk with more hope.

So, the next day, as I was walking around the local supermarket I saw a beautiful cross stitch for a nursery and I decided that I was going to get my hopes up and buy it! As I placed it on the conveyor belt I felt like a bit of a fraud! I half expected the cashier to stop me and tell me to put it back!!! However she didn’t, and I took it home and put it in my prayer room until I had the courage to open it and start sewing. This I did and I slowly started sewing the pattern onto the fabric. 
For me it represented faith – It represented a hope renewed.

A couple of weeks later, one dreary Saturday afternoon, I made a drink for my parents who were staying over for the weekend. As I tidied up the kitchen, I heard the familiar noise of a drink being spilled, and I ran into the living room to see my cross stitch, the symbol of my hope covered in boiling hot coffee!!!
After the usual rush to clear the table and contain as much of the spillage as possible, I stopped and looked at my sewing. It was completely and utterly ruined! The person who had spilt the drink was absolutely mortified and had no clue about what the half sewn piece of fabric meant to me. But in that moment, the devil had a chance to whisper lies into me ears. He told me that is what you get for getting your hopes up and not to do it again!!

I must admit that I struggled with this. Was it a sign? Was I really just being silly?

However, God is so good, and the following week in conversation with someone talking about the future and children, they turned to me, looked me in the eyes and said “Get your hopes up, Get excited, it is coming and it is coming soon!” This struck me deep into my core and I declared, in that moment 
I will get my hopes up!

Currently I am waiting for a new cross stitch to arrive, a bigger and better cross stitch, a declaration that God is able and I will get my hopes up in him, for he is a faithful God. The following is a verse of scripture that I have declared over myself for many months and today, if you are struggling with hope, for whatever reason, I pray this will permeate into your heart and become your prayer today too!

 "Now may God, the inspiration and fountain of hope, fill you to overflowing with uncontainable joy and perfect peace as you trust in him. And may the power of the Holy Spirit continually surround your life with his super-abundance until you radiate with hope!" 

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