Lessons in Babyloss - A Reflection

 

This week is Babyloss awareness week where many mums and dads remember their precious babies and reflect on their babyloss experience. Last week I had the absolute privilege to speak at our local baby loss awareness week remembrance service and it was such a special experience. 

Six months ago, after 12 years of infertility, we discovered we were miraculously pregnant! Unfortunately a few weeks later we lost our precious and much loved child in a tragic and pretty traumatic way. It was the darkest time of my life, but through this time I learned a lot about grief, about myself and about God. This week seems a perfect time to share some of the lessons I learnt while walking through loss and I pray that it might be useful to someone else as they navigate grief.

Don’t grieve alone

When we found out we were pregnant, we shared our news with the world pretty quickly. While some people didn’t understand our choice to share so early on, it was the best thing we could ever do, as when things started to go wrong we had an army of people behind us covering us in prayer and supporting us in so many ways. For at least two months after our loss I had at least one person every day contact me in some way to say they were thinking of me, this wasn’t a concerted effort by a group of friends, but a blessing from God orchestrated the way only he can! I have been part of an amazing infertility community called ‘Moms in the making’ for a number of years, and I was blown away to receive a number of beautiful cards from people all over the world who were grieving with me in my loss. 

As important as friends and family are, what was life changing for me, was the decision I made to grieve with God. I actively leaned into him and spent time in his word, in prayer and in worship. I looked for God winks wherever I went and actively declared God’s goodness even when I didn’t really feel it! In a time of profound pain I found treasures in the darkness which have become so precious to me. 

If you are grieving, don’t do it alone. Speak to friends, family, to the people around you. If you feel that this is something you can't do, then speak to me. I would love to journey with you. But more importantly than all of this, speak to God! I can testify that you won't regret it and that you can come out of the other side rejoicing in a God that loves us unconditionally. Deuteronomy 31:6 promises you will never be alone:

Let Grief roll

Paul and I decided very early on in the grief process that we would allow the waves of grief to roll over us and we wouldn’t deny the things we were feeling. If we wanted to cry, we would. If we wanted to laugh, we would, and if we wanted to get angry, we would do that too! Sometimes it meant allowing the tears to fall when walking down the supermarket aisle and at other times it meant not being afraid to feel the pain of the what if conversations. 

By allowing those moments of grief to come and then go again, it helped me not to stay in the depths for too long. We were determined that we wouldn’t just stuff away this experience, but that we would walk through it with purpose and I found it so helpful. Six months later, the waves of grief still come and we continue to let them roll over us as we remember not only the child that we lost, but the dreams, the memories, the life that will never be.  Over the months I have clung to Psalm 34:18 and have found God so very close in the moments of grief.

Grieve with hope

Through the darkest of days that I experienced, I found that when I was grieving with God, the darkness was penetrated by the light of hope. The hope of a God that is good, the hope of a God that loves, the hope of a god who has good plans for my life. After 12 years of infertility I knew that this goodness might not be an immediate answer to my prayers and the answer often doesn't come in the way we expect, but I carried the hope that God can and will use this experience for his glory. As I was losing my baby, I audibly heard God give me a promise and I clung to that promise as I grieved. 

I really enjoy crafts and as I was recovering I struggled to keep my mind fixed on much at all. However I found a hand quilting method called English paper piecing, and it was just enough for my brain to handle, so as an act of hope, I created a hand quilted baby blanket with the hope that I would one day have a baby to fill it. Every stitch was filled with grief, love and hope. 

If you are struggling to grieve with hope, I pray Romans 15:13 over your life 

Talk about it

Building on what I said before about not going through grief alone, one lesson that I learned was to find the people that you can talk about everything to. It may be your partner, a friend or a family member, it can be anyone - but make sure you find your people. I was so blessed to have people around me to talk to. Paul was always willing listen to my ramblings even if they were incoherent and I had a small group of people that I could cry with and talk to as I needed. 

Another thing I found really helpful was finding a good Christian counsellor who would not only give me a space to talk and a place to discover coping strategies, but would speak the word over me and cover me in prayer. This was really powerful and I found it very helpful. It wasn’t always easy and at times it was frankly very uncomfortable, but it was exactly what I needed. 

Proverbs 18:24 declares -

Remember them

This is one of the most important and powerful things that I learnt. Although the loss was very traumatic, I wanted to make sure that I didn’t dwell on that but that I remembered my precious baby who was so desired, prayed for and loved. We chose to do this in many ways. 

We named our baby Samson (we picked this name for some beautiful and miraculous reasons) and we talk about him. Paul made a beautiful wooden memory box and we filled it with scan pictures, a little baby grow and other mementos we had of him. We prayed over it as we put it together and it gave us something physical as we remembered him. 

I decided to get a tattoo as something physical on my body to remember him by. I wanted it not only to be something to remember his precious life but also something that represents the renewed hope I had found through the experience. 

There are so many ways that you can choose to remember your precious child and they are personal to each situation, but maybe hearing about the things we have done might inspire you. 

Baby loss is painful, messy and traumatic and it is still a struggle, but I have learned so many powerful lessons through this time. While I may never truly understand why my story couldn’t have been different and why I will not hold Samson in my arms in this life. I trust that God is at work and his plan is good.