An identity crisis

I have always been someone pretty secure in myself. I have relished my identity in ministry running a Salvation Army church together with my husband, I have loved my identity as a step mother to three lovely girls who have grown into beautiful women. When we adopted our daughter 8 years ago, I relished the title of mum, as we took our nearly 9 month old into our family. Over the years I have stepped up to the title of carer and advocate for her and while she is far more reliant on me than many other nearly 9 year olds, I have managed to find a balance between my roles as mum, wife, minister and the many other hats that I wear. 

However, the last year or so has been a real learning curve in relation to my identity. From the moment I became pregnant with my son, my priority became protecting him. Pregnancy after baby loss can make you question many things about your own identity, and while I ultimately know that my identity is in Christ, It was a little more wobbly than it had been before! 

When I gave birth, just over six months ago, things changed once more, and I suddenly had this beautiful miracle in my arms that was solely reliant on me. What an absolute joy! Along with the joy, came many challenges, some of which had me questioning my identity in ways I wasn’t prepared for. There was the change in my hormones that affected me physically and emotionally, and that was not something I realised would affect me so much - (those hormone crashes are wild!!) There was also the realisation that things like showers, eating and  keeping a home running, things that were once so easy, were now far more difficult, and at some points utterly impossible!

 

One of the biggest challenges in my identity has been how to juggle ministry and motherhood. Although I have (and still am) on maternity leave, Leading a church alongside my husband means that this looks very different to what it might have been if I was still a teacher. There is also the privilege and challenge of worshipping in the community that you’re are on ‘maternity leave’ from and how to embrace it while putting boundaries in place. There is also the reality that often there are things that I need to do in order to free my husband up to be dad as well as minister too. 

I would love to say that I have cracked it and give you some simple points of things I have learned over time that have secured my identity as a mum, wife, minister and follower of Christ! However the truth is still that I am still working it out and some days I have found it incredibly challenging! However God has been whispering to me in recent days and there are two things that are becoming clearer to me. One of which came over the space of a weekend, in the way that God often likes to speak to me, and that's with a slap in the face! 

I was having a bit of a day. I had a list of things I needed to do for our church's birthday, among other things, and I had spent the morning running around town buying giant balloons, sourcing decorations and buying birthday cakes, all while entertaining my 6 month old. As I tried to finish my to do list, I knew that my son was late for a nap and needed a nappy change. I was rushing down the street and when I looked down I realised that he had been sick all over his top. I felt the tears begin to well in my eyes as I felt like a failure as a minister and a failure as a mother at the same time, a feeling I have been getting increasingly used to. All of a sudden, I heard someone shout my name as a friend came running out of a nearby coffee shop. While in conversation,  she began to speak truth to me as she told me that motherhood and ministry are hard, and that being a mum is an important ministry in itself. She reminded me that while it is a new and different season, being a mother is no less important than my role in the church, in fact God thinks it is pretty important! The conversation was the spiritual slap I needed and if that wasn’t enough, a couple of days later, God reminded me of it once again while in conversation over coffee after church. While talking about an unrelated matter, someone told me that they had recently read somewhere that family is a minister's first ministry, and it brought me up short! 

As I reflected on this I realised how true it really is, training up my children to love the Lord, and to live a life in step with him is the most important ministry a mother can have and one which I have longed for, for a very long time! The bible makes this extremely clear too Proverbs 22:6 declares: 

Dedicate your children to God and point them in the way that they should go, and the values they’ve learned from you will be with them for life.

There has also been a still small voice whispering to me through things I have read, songs I have listened to, scripture I have been reminded of and a nudging of the spirit. It has been reminding me of the love that the father has for me and that my identity is found in what christ has done for me and not what I can do for him. Even if I wasn’t in full time ministry, even if I didn't hold the titles of wife, mother, friend, captain, or whatever other title I hold, God would still love me, he would still look at me with favour and would still value me enough to sacrifice his son for me. My identity isn’t in my achievements or success but is wholly rooted in God, and while that is a scary thought for someone like me who has always found achievement important, it is also very liberating 

So while I struggle through this season, I am so grateful for a God who loves me with an unconditional love, and I am delighted that he has entrusted me to be a mother to two such special miracles. I also have to trust him that I am where he wants me to be at this time even if it is surrounded by nappies, baby toys and nursery rhymes!